This fuckin’ substack certainly goes to the hard areas. I remember pulling limbs off a daddy longlegs. The fact that there is a precise location in this memory gives me hope that I only did it once. I probably dabbled in sidewalk worm-stomping but I think I mostly tried to avoid the li’l suckers.( Maybe stomping them would have been kinder then leaving them to be baked by the prairie sun.)
Here’s a mood-lightener: in elementary school my brother was for a while the target of a bully, name of Trevor. The tormentor transitioned to friend one day when he fucked up some other kid who was doing shit to gophers.
I certainly relate to this. It’s a hard one to admit to…I did dissect a snail to find out something I guess because at the time I thought I would be a scientist?? I hated doing it so fast track to the future I still made decisions about killing without batting an eyelash .. fast track even further I now feel indifferent about what I’ve done so to agree with kids kill stuff
This is so eerily accurate. I too, threw a frog into the air as a child. I am horrified that I did that and I don't recall being prompted by anyone, which makes it doubly bad. It was like some strange and stupid experiment. I loved animals and I hadn't sadistic impulses so why did I harm this poor creature? I try to tell myself I was unaware it would die, merely acrobat its way to earth, but I kind of doubt that I was that dumb. My mother, who loves animals, shot a bird with a bb gun as a child and killed it.. She was devastated and never got over it and she would cry at the recollection. Steve relayed to me that he did something similar and that he felt awful about it. Is it a burgeoning awareness of mortality that gives us these childhood impulses? Or is it that we see other times of sadism in adults and unconsciously emulate them? I never did anything like that again because I felt queasy about it. Your reminiscence about gophers resonated as I grew up in rural AB also and it was this big deal to shoot gophers. I never partook myself, but I know people who speak of killing these animals fondly. Ostensibly it is because of the holes gophers dig that make them as troublesome. My horse did occasionally stumble in gopher holes. A discomfiting aspect of human nature is the zealous way killings are enacted (thinking of how Victorians nearly wiped out the bison population for sport. Thanks for sharing David. Your writing is masterful. I hope one day that you will publish a book of your recollections. God, so much is so similar to how I grew up. Makes for a visceral read.
I think perhaps there is an explorative curiosity we experience as kids. Maybe you don't really know you don't like killing until you kill. You gotta kill to know you don't like killing.
Awful and tender. I never killed animals. I rescued them--worms drying on sidewalks, wasps drowning in pools. Though I did briefly bully a kid in grade 5 named Egbert. Maybe that wasn't his name--maybe that's the mean name I gave him. He was from Poland.
Worms, I'm with you, saving wasps....don't tell Betty-Ann, she's got in for wasps. Me I kill them. Especially when they are drunk on rotten fruit in the late summer and aggressive and unpredictable. Egbert, no expert but that name doesn't sound Polish to me.
I once killed a frog, on accident, making a "potion" in an ice cream bucket. Maybe I was six? It made me feel bad deep down in my intestines once I realized what I had done. It wasn't on purpose, but I was being careless. It was good to learn that lesson early I expect.
To be fair there's probably not a way to use a frog in a potion without killing it. Can you milk a frog or would the recipe call for a frog toe or a drop of blood? Thanks for sharing.
Natural born writer more like it 👀
This fuckin’ substack certainly goes to the hard areas. I remember pulling limbs off a daddy longlegs. The fact that there is a precise location in this memory gives me hope that I only did it once. I probably dabbled in sidewalk worm-stomping but I think I mostly tried to avoid the li’l suckers.( Maybe stomping them would have been kinder then leaving them to be baked by the prairie sun.)
Here’s a mood-lightener: in elementary school my brother was for a while the target of a bully, name of Trevor. The tormentor transitioned to friend one day when he fucked up some other kid who was doing shit to gophers.
This post seems to be bringing out some interesting memories and reminiscences from readers. My mood is lightened.
I certainly relate to this. It’s a hard one to admit to…I did dissect a snail to find out something I guess because at the time I thought I would be a scientist?? I hated doing it so fast track to the future I still made decisions about killing without batting an eyelash .. fast track even further I now feel indifferent about what I’ve done so to agree with kids kill stuff
This is so eerily accurate. I too, threw a frog into the air as a child. I am horrified that I did that and I don't recall being prompted by anyone, which makes it doubly bad. It was like some strange and stupid experiment. I loved animals and I hadn't sadistic impulses so why did I harm this poor creature? I try to tell myself I was unaware it would die, merely acrobat its way to earth, but I kind of doubt that I was that dumb. My mother, who loves animals, shot a bird with a bb gun as a child and killed it.. She was devastated and never got over it and she would cry at the recollection. Steve relayed to me that he did something similar and that he felt awful about it. Is it a burgeoning awareness of mortality that gives us these childhood impulses? Or is it that we see other times of sadism in adults and unconsciously emulate them? I never did anything like that again because I felt queasy about it. Your reminiscence about gophers resonated as I grew up in rural AB also and it was this big deal to shoot gophers. I never partook myself, but I know people who speak of killing these animals fondly. Ostensibly it is because of the holes gophers dig that make them as troublesome. My horse did occasionally stumble in gopher holes. A discomfiting aspect of human nature is the zealous way killings are enacted (thinking of how Victorians nearly wiped out the bison population for sport. Thanks for sharing David. Your writing is masterful. I hope one day that you will publish a book of your recollections. God, so much is so similar to how I grew up. Makes for a visceral read.
I think perhaps there is an explorative curiosity we experience as kids. Maybe you don't really know you don't like killing until you kill. You gotta kill to know you don't like killing.
Awful and tender. I never killed animals. I rescued them--worms drying on sidewalks, wasps drowning in pools. Though I did briefly bully a kid in grade 5 named Egbert. Maybe that wasn't his name--maybe that's the mean name I gave him. He was from Poland.
Worms, I'm with you, saving wasps....don't tell Betty-Ann, she's got in for wasps. Me I kill them. Especially when they are drunk on rotten fruit in the late summer and aggressive and unpredictable. Egbert, no expert but that name doesn't sound Polish to me.
I once killed a frog, on accident, making a "potion" in an ice cream bucket. Maybe I was six? It made me feel bad deep down in my intestines once I realized what I had done. It wasn't on purpose, but I was being careless. It was good to learn that lesson early I expect.
To be fair there's probably not a way to use a frog in a potion without killing it. Can you milk a frog or would the recipe call for a frog toe or a drop of blood? Thanks for sharing.